Couple random things (and Monica cries for a solid hour and a half)

BF and I saw The Impossible last night.  If you read my post title, you have probably gathered that this was an emotional movie.  If you haven't heard about it, it stars Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor and is about a family's stuggle to survive and reconnect with each other in the aftermath of the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. 

I should have known we were in for a rough ride when we were both crying 20 minutes in.  I think the recreation of when the water hit was one of the scariest things I've ever seen! 

Someone brought me cookies at work today...GRRRR.  It was nice but now I have cookies on my desk.  With chocolate chips.  And walnuts.  And like 5 pounds of butter. 

-Mon

Appointment!

Finally!  I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday, February 4th.  Hopefully we'll be able to get this baby on the calendar once and for all.  Since I'm not going through insurance (100% self pay), I'm thinking there won't really be any more hoops to jump through.  Here's twenty grand, won't you please cut me open????

In other news, here's what is currently making me excited about losing weight: being able to comfortable sit in a chair with my legs crossed.  Such a simple thing, yet impossible for me.  Ugh.

I found out there's a Curves location about a mile from my house and gave them a call over the weekend.  Membership is pretty fair AND they offer Zumba classes.  WIN.  I have done Curves a couple times in the past and I think that might be the perfect way to ease back into exercise. 

It's been really hard for me to get in any kind of physical activity because of my back pain from the car accident I was in 2 years ago.  I think carrying around so much extra weight has really held up my healing process, so after just a couple minutes of activity my back is killing me.  Not to mention pain in my knees and heels.  So much physical strain from lugging around 300+ pounds...I can't believe I've been doing this to my body. 

But not for much longer :)

-Mon

He's maintaining

Snapped a couple pics of my cat Leo the other night.  Looks like someone needs a lap band!

While I'm at it (and since I don't really have anything else to say today, because I'm waiting anxiously for the surgery clinic to call and tell me I can schedule an appointment with my surgeon...RING, DAMN IT!!! *glares at phone*), I might as well introduce my other feline companion, Buzz--

I'm sorry, Leo...here's one of you where you don't look like you just ate a balloon!

These two imbeciles completely rule our lives.  They are wonderful, mischievous, annoying, comforting, spoiled, adorable little pals and we looooove them more than anything.

Cross your fingers I get a phone call soon!

-Mon

The unfriendly skies...

So we're travelling to Philly in May for BF's cousin's wedding.  I've been stressing and stressing about not fitting into a single airplane seat, so we decided to drive.  Yesterday I was pricing airline tickets and we found out that we'll save about $400 by driving over flying...so that feels like a victory to me  :)

And now no one has to look at this while I squeeze my rear end into the tiny Southwest Airlines seat--

It's a win for everyone.

-Mon

And now the wait...

Got my blood work done, dropped off the surgery release to my GP and turned in my new patient information to my surgery clinic. Now just have to wait until everyone faxes my information to the clinic and then I can make an appointment with my surgeon! Woo hoo!

-Mon

Making Progress

This afternoon I'm dropping off the surgery release form to my GP, getting my blood work done and delivering my new patient info packet at the surgery clinic.  With any luck I'll be able to get this baby on the calendar soon!  

I ordered a recipe book from Amazon geared toward post-op bariatric patients that should be coming in the next few days.  I saw a few sample recipes and one was a chicken artichoke soup.  Yes please!  Can't wait to try that...if it's any good I'll be sure to post the recipe.

Oh, I just realized...I'm going to have to get used to eating soup without a hunk of bread. Does anyone ever get really frustrated at the dietary limitations?  I may be a bit of a carb addict...

-Mon

Things to look forward to!

First off, I finally got in touch with someone at my old doctor's office and they should be faxing my medical history to the surgery clinic today.  One step closer!  Now I just need to get that blood work done...

I'm so ready to just get this show on the road.  It's practically all I can think about these days.  It's finally starting to feel real, and now I can't stop imagining all the ways this will improve my life.  Here are several things I'm getting excited about (by the way, I love lists.  They help me feel organized):

• Getting up in the morning and not feeling like I've been hit by a train
• Being able to buy clothes I LOVE, not just settling for things I don't really care for simply because they fit me
• Not being winded after walking up just one flight of stairs
• Painting my toenails more easily
• Being excited about trying new things, instead of being scared about potentially putting myself in an embarrassing situation
• Seeing what my face actually looks like under all this extra weight
• Not having swollen ankles and feet when I kick off my shoes in the evening

I think more than anything else, I can't wait to FEEL GOOD.  I spend most of my time feeling sore in some way.  I don't think I have any clue what it's like to not have back, knee or foot pain all the time. 

Also can't wait to get rid of this double chin, or at least shrink it down a bit!

-Mon

Living life from the sidelines

I'm sure thin people put themselves in my place at times, as is natural to do.  I'm constantly comparing my life to others', whether it's out of jealousy or simply the desire for understanding.  I think one thing that I'll never be able to fully explain to someone who's never been obese is exactly how often it's on my mind.  It factors into almost every single one of my daily decisions, big or small. 

A few examples:

• Someone asks me to go to the movies (I have to hope it won't be a crowded show and that I won't be forced to sit next to other audience members, as I usually lift the armrest on one side to give myself extra room.  This becomes increasingly problematic when my boyfriend's dad and siblings all want to go to the movie together...the chances of me being on the end are now slimmer.)
• We're going out to eat (Oh god, what if I don't fit in the booth?  That's one of the most common in my world.  It's rare that I truly don't fit; actually, I'm not sure if that's ever happened, but it's probably due in part to my careful planning.  I've definitely been squeezed in pretty tight before.  Humiliating.)
• Boyfriend's cousin is getting married in May.  (In Philadelphia.  I have no clue if I'll fit in an airplane seat.  To spare the possible humiliation, we're planning on driving.)

And I don't want to say anything about any of my worries because that would just be drawing attention to it, which would make me feel completely self conscious and embarrassed.

There are tons more, and those are just a few of the specific ones.  My main concern is having attention focused on me in any way.  I shy away from so many things in life in order to stay in the shadows.  It's led to my belief that others are more deserving of happiness, of fun, of love, than I am.  I'm struggling with the concept of the lap band because I don't feel like I deserve it.  I know I do -- everyone deserves to feel healthy and to love themselves -- but I've deprioritized my own happiness for so long that it feels weird and selfish to be doing something just for me.  I SO want to get to the point where I don't feel guilty for wanting this!

-Mon