A few examples:
- Someone asks me to go to the movies (I have to hope it won't be a crowded show and that I won't be forced to sit next to other audience members, as I usually lift the armrest on one side to give myself extra room. This becomes increasingly problematic when my boyfriend's dad and siblings all want to go to the movie together...the chances of me being on the end are now slimmer.)
- We're going out to eat (Oh god, what if I don't fit in the booth? That's one of the most common in my world. It's rare that I truly don't fit; actually, I'm not sure if that's ever happened, but it's probably due in part to my careful planning. I've definitely been squeezed in pretty tight before. Humiliating.)
- Boyfriend's cousin is getting married in May. (In Philadelphia. I have no clue if I'll fit in an airplane seat. To spare the possible humiliation, we're planning on driving.)
There are tons more, and those are just a few of the specific ones. My main concern is having attention focused on me in any way. I shy away from so many things in life in order to stay in the shadows. It's led to my belief that others are more deserving of happiness, of fun, of love, than I am. I'm struggling with the concept of the lap band because I don't feel like I deserve it. I know I do -- everyone deserves to feel healthy and to love themselves -- but I've deprioritized my own happiness for so long that it feels weird and selfish to be doing something just for me. I SO want to get to the point where I don't feel guilty for wanting this!