Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Living life from the sidelines

I'm sure thin people put themselves in my place at times, as is natural to do.  I'm constantly comparing my life to others', whether it's out of jealousy or simply the desire for understanding.  I think one thing that I'll never be able to fully explain to someone who's never been obese is exactly how often it's on my mind.  It factors into almost every single one of my daily decisions, big or small. 

A few examples:
  • Someone asks me to go to the movies (I have to hope it won't be a crowded show and that I won't be forced to sit next to other audience members, as I usually lift the armrest on one side to give myself extra room.  This becomes increasingly problematic when my boyfriend's dad and siblings all want to go to the movie together...the chances of me being on the end are now slimmer.)
  • We're going out to eat (Oh god, what if I don't fit in the booth?  That's one of the most common in my world.  It's rare that I truly don't fit; actually, I'm not sure if that's ever happened, but it's probably due in part to my careful planning.  I've definitely been squeezed in pretty tight before.  Humiliating.)
  • Boyfriend's cousin is getting married in May.  (In Philadelphia.  I have no clue if I'll fit in an airplane seat.  To spare the possible humiliation, we're planning on driving.)
And I don't want to say anything about any of my worries because that would just be drawing attention to it, which would make me feel completely self conscious and embarrassed.

There are tons more, and those are just a few of the specific ones.  My main concern is having attention focused on me in any way.  I shy away from so many things in life in order to stay in the shadows.  It's led to my belief that others are more deserving of happiness, of fun, of love, than I am.  I'm struggling with the concept of the lap band because I don't feel like I deserve it.  I know I do -- everyone deserves to feel healthy and to love themselves -- but I've deprioritized my own happiness for so long that it feels weird and selfish to be doing something just for me.  I SO want to get to the point where I don't feel guilty for wanting this!


1 comment:

  1. You shouldn’t feel guilty. If you’re not comfortable doing this for yourself, think about doing it for your family, who all love you and want so very much for you to be happy and healthy.